Few months before the above said, I struggling so hard for not joining Canaan. I didn’t know how many litres of tears I’ve wasted on this matter. I wanted to explore more to the world outside, I wish I could expose to more industry. I fought so hard with my mom. I tried so hard not to, but there’s always this point and eventually I decided to sacrifice my outside world and join Canaan. “Family” for my FAMILY…
Until now, coming to 6 months, I’m still struggling with my tears always, facing all the harsh words. I don’t know is it because I seldom cry for the past years and now the tears tank is full so I cry always. Swollen eyes are what I get always in the next morning. From optimistic to pessimistic, from cheerful to cheerless, from patience to impatient, from happy to upset… all in me have changed.. to someone terrible. I HATE myself so much for failing to control.
Until my temper turn so bad, I even release my temper on darl sometimes. Pray deep down in my heart that it doesn’t affect our relationship at all as I really appreciate and cherish this relationship. Darl, I really don’t mean to do so. I’m depressed. I’ve no idea of what to do, I’ve no idea of what’s going on, I even lost myself. Please, don’t leave me alone. I can’t sustain if I’m alone. I need to fight in the war and I need your support so much.
Until there’re times that I don’t wish to go home. At least when I’m outside, I can be myself freely. I can talk freely, I can walk freely. I can be without burden at all.
Until there’re times that I don’t wish to talk when I’m at home, because I don’t know when will I get harsh words when I talk something others don’t like. I even thought of leaving home and work outside. Yet I know it's not as easy as well.
Before this, if you ask me, what’s the most regretful thing you’ve done in your life, I will answer you without hesitation, “nope” but now… my answer is different, and you know my answer.
Am I deserve to all this? My Lord, is this a way from you to train me? I always know that everything happens for a reason. But Lord, give me strength. I can’t sustain long if same situation remains… Lord, forgive my bad temper, forgive my weakness… Lord, be with me. Bring me back to the Cheerful Lv. I love myself so much in that way but not now. I love you Lord. Lead me on… Let me soar my wings like eagle. Lord, besides blessing me, shower your blessing upon darl darl also. I want to share my everything with him. Pray in Jesus name, Amen.
Love, Lv
-LOVE is the greatest thing of all-
No comments:
Post a Comment